The Bachelorette Recap: June 18, 2012, From Tv Food and Drink ...

8:01 ? ?Homespun? Emily Maynard arrives to this week?s romantic?Bachelorette?overseas destination ? Croatia. ?Says Emily, ?This is awesome!?

8:02 ? The eight remaining bachelors arrive in Croatia. ?Say the bachelors, ?This is awesome!?

8:03 ? Little Ricki has been left back in North Carolina. ?Say the viewers, ?This is awesome!?

8:04 ? The first date card goes to Travis from Mississippi. ?Travis hopes Emily will be willing to give him a shot at romance even though he says ?Muhself? instead of ?Myself,? ?Picture Box? instead of ?Television,? and ?Pig Pickin?? instead of ?Dinner.?

8:05 ? Travis and Emily stroll through the streets of Dubrovnik, Croatia while giggling and nibbling on ice cream cones.? Will this be the week we get our annual moment with the impoverished, local ?Wise Old Sage? who gives useful romance advice such as, ?If she loves the dog, don?t cook it for dinner? and ?After seventeen kids, stop sleeping with your man and move into the poopoo hut.??

8:07 ? Emily and Travis come across the ?Balancing Stone.? ?According to Emily, legend has it that if you can stay on the ?Balancing Stone? while removing your shirt then you?ll be lucky at love.? ?My research indicates that only the first requirement of this legend was in existence before the producers of The Bachelorette came to town.

8:09 ? Travis and Emily square dance in an alley.? This is the cheapest fucking date ever.

8:10 ? Back at the hotel, Parallelogram Head Ryan claims that there?s an ?edge? to him that Travis doesn?t have.? Apparently, this edge has something to do with wearing the same kind of three-sizes-too-small tank top that pervy priests like to put on before inviting young boys from the congregation over to garden with them in the mid-day sun.

8:16 ? Travis gives Emily a look that says, ?You could be mine forever.? ?Emily gives Travis a loose, uncomfortable hug that says, ?I wish you were out so I could introduce you to my best friend, Matt!?

8:19 ? Rose denied. ?A lonely, heartbroken Travis roams the late-night streets of Croatia. ?And to boot, it?s raining! ?Or maybe it?s just a few production assistants flicking water from the Mediterranean Sea into his face. ?You can never be sure on The Bachelorette.

8:23 ? Emily meets the guys for the group date, which includes all the remaining men except Parallelogram Head Ryan whose tank top is preventing him from lifting his arms up high enough to reach the doorknob.

8:24 ? Emily announces she?s taking the guys to see the new Disney-Pixar movie, Brave, then reveals they?re all going to re-create a bit of Scotland as they compete in their own Highland Games.

8:31 ? I love a muscular guy with a big donkey between his legs, don?t you?

8:34 ? First event ? ARCHERY!

8:35 ? All the guys hit the target except Chris. ?Says Chris, ?If I had some more chances I?m sure I would have hit it.?

8:36 ? Second event ? LOG TOSS ? Chris fails at getting his log to roll over all the way and is disqualified. ?Says Chris, ?If I?d had more time to practice, I would have been a lot better.?

8:39 ? Third event ? I?m not sure exactly how to describe this one. ?It?s the same kind of activity you start to notice happening between two guys at work who used to hate each other until one day they both found out the other was gay.

8:41 ? After all three events, says Chris: ?I gave it my all and I ended up last!? ?If Chris doesn?t end up with Homespun, he should definitely consider hooking up with Linkie from this season?s?Food Network Star.

8:42 ? Despite ending up last, Emily awards the BRAVE cup to Chris, reminding me of that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby couldn?t win a trophy no matter what he did ? including going on Cartoon King?s televised ice cream eating contest ? so the rest of the family gave him a trophy just for being a good brother, but he still ended up looking like a giant derp.

8:43 ? Chris continues to crow about his trophy with the wide-eyed excitement of that kid from your fourth grade class who won a certificate for ?Best Attendance.?

8:47- Preparing for his date with Homespun, Ryan says he wakes up every day, looks at himself in the mirror and asks, ?Who do you want to be today?? ?If I woke up looking at Ryan every day, the only thing I?d ask is, ?Dude, did you get a free Friendster profile with that haircut??

8:48 ? Jef with One F decides the only way to win Emily?s heart is to do his best impression of a girl baring her emotions in a fan letter to Jonathan Taylor Thomas: ??I feel like, I can like open up with you more now, you know? ? Like I feel like? you give me the type of feeling like people write novels about??

8:49 ? ??like, I get really excited to hang out with you. ?I really like it. ?I really like you. ?I don?t know, I feel like, there could be like something really good with us, like you know, that?s what I feel??

8:51 ? ?? but yeah like, I don?t want you to be, like, guessing too much. ?I mean I?m definitely here for you, like, I want this to work out.?

8:52 ? After six weeks of stalling and enough ?likes? to crash Facebook for half of July, Jef with One F finally finally seals the deal!

8:57 ? The guys get together and bash on Ryan. ??Kind of a jackass,? ??Takes him three hours to get ready,? ?Shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs.? ?He?s such an idiot? ?I hope I never have to see him again.?

9:09 ? ?During dinner with Homespun, says Ryan: ?I couldn?t sleep the other night so I sat up and I wrote twelve things that I really wanted to find in a woman. ?I like to write. ?I?m fired up!?

By the time Ryan gets to item four, Emily?s face is the exact same one Bachelorette Ashley Hebert gave her season?s Ryan when he started in on his endless fascination with solar panels and water heaters.

9:11 ? Emily points out that ?loving family? was nowhere on Ryan?s list and denies him the rose, about four weeks too late by my calculation.

9:12 ? Ryan begins an earnest campaign to change Homespun?s mind about sending him home, which consists primarily of refusing to leave the table, staring at her with his dead doll eyes and repeating, ?This is shocking? and ?I can?t help but thinking you?re making the wrong choice.?

9:13 ? Ryan?s campaigning is beginning to deteriorate into full-out begging. ?The show goes to commercial.

9:15 ? OOH Wipeout is coming back!

9:17 ? We?re back. ?Ryan is still begging. ?Anyone want anything from Quizno?s?

9:20 ? Now I get why we got to Ryan?s date so early in the episode.

9:23 ? My sister to me, ?Did Ryan just say he was?worldly?? ?Me: ?I thought he said he was?wormy.?

9:25 ? Finally, Ryan?s run through all of the material he learned from that three-hour internet course on sales training and sulks away, turquoise shoes and all!

9:52 ? Awarded roses this week: Insurance Agent Sean, Jef with One F, Race Car Arie, Highland-Loser Chris, John the Wolf and Doug the Hugger. ?Yep, that means NO ONE got eliminated at the Rose Ceremony, which is sort of the entire reason we sit through the previous one hour and fifty-two minutes of these shallow-end gene pool shenanigans, isn?t it? ?Though it wasn?t my fault, I?ve decided to make up for this injustice to all of you. ? So let?s stroll down Memory Lane and remember some of the Bachelors who got the heave-ho at Rose Ceremonies earlier this season. ?If you have a slow song by Enya on your iTunes, start it now.

We remember?

?Looks Like My Ex? Aaron: ?She made the decision. She?s missing out.? (Sidebar: I had those exact same glasses in high school, and I?m nearly certain they?re the reason I won the science fair).
Kyle the Financial Advisor: ?I totally should have opened up more. Now I?m going home.?

Brent the Technology Salesman, who, when asked about finding love, replied..??at my age? with six kids? not a high probability.?

Jean-Paul the Marine Biologist :??It felt like my heart fell on the floor and got trampled.?

And finally? this fellow. ?He wasn?t actually a competitor on the show. He was just a kid who delivered a pizza one week and decided to hang out until someone noticed him.

That?s all for Croatia. ?Next week we?re off to Prague, where John the Wolf finally lands a one-on-one. ?We?ll see if he can make up for those creepy red Willy Wonka pants he wore back in London. Follow him @jwolfner and tell him I sent you. He got mad at me for making fun of his pants last week.

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