For Better, For Worse | What I Would Tell You

This past weekend, I had the unexpected privilege of officiating at a most beautiful wedding. I received a call three days earlier from the groom-to-be explaining that there had been a conflict of sorts with their scheduled minister and now they were left without anyone to marry them on Saturday. They had 100 guests arriving, a beach wedding planned and a venue booked for the dinner and reception. There was just that one important ingredient missing: the person to make it all legal.

I am a brand spanking new Marriage Officiant, designated by the Whitewater Township and licensed to legally perform civil ceremonies in our province of Ontario. It is a privilege and I am very excited about this new role.

I am a big believer in rituals and in commitments. Yes, I know, to some it is ?just a piece of paper? but for others, getting married is much more than that. I think that some couples get married because it is the natural progression of a long term relationship while others get married because they want the wedding day. For me, it wasn?t simply a legal contract but there was also a spiritual element to it and I really felt that making this commitment to my husband was one of the greatest expressions of my love to him. Truth be told, I never planned or expected to get married until I met him and then everything changed.

Meeting with this young couple about to be married and discussing all of the intimate details of the ceremony they had written, reminded me of my husband and I when we were in our late 20?s and about to take this big leap of faith into marriage. We were madly in love and I remember thinking that nothing could ever come between this most glorious love that we shared.

June 19th 1999??.

Although my experience is limited and my marriage, so far, has been relatively short in years, my husband and I have had our vows tested more than once in profound and life changing ways. I reflect on the blessed wedding day and how we are so caught up in the day itself that the words, ?For better and for worse? just flow out of our mouths as easy and effortlessly as the ?I love you?s.? New love is often blissfully ignorant to the unexpected turns life can take.

After Meredith was born, I recall a social worker approaching me in the NICU to offer her advice on how we might manage to stay married. She bluntly informed me that there was an 80% divorce rate in couples who had a child with special needs. I have since learned that this statistic is somewhat inaccurate. I have been unable to find the most recent stats on the divorce rate of parents of children with special needs but I am going to bet that it is not quite that high. How have we managed to stay married after all?

I firmly believe that the foundation for a marriage is ?kindness.? Some may argue that ?trust? is but I think that when you treat your spouse with kindness, that trust is a natural by-product of that. Kindness builds trust. I think that we get comfortable in our relationships to the point that we take our spouses for granted. This is something that needs to be at the forefront. Stepping back and taking a good hard look at your spouse and seeing them with fresh eyes can do wonders. We can easily get caught up and attached to the things that annoy us about our partners. We forget why we married them in the first place. Preventing spousal neglect is key therefore dating shouldn?t stop at the altar. For clarification purposes, I am referring to dating your spouse not someone else

Equally important, we must look after ourselves so that we can be a healthy partner offering our best emotionally, physically and spiritually to our spouse. Marriage is not a ticket to let yourself go although we must make allowances for things like childbearing, stress and aging all of which impact us on all levels. The main point is that we are always a work in progress; improving ourselves along the way to ensure that we can be with one another as long as possible.

Now, what I am about to say might ruffle some feathers but I disagree with the whole ?never go to bed angry? advice. Why not? Sometimes you are too tired and well, too mad, to continue a discussion that is likely not going to be resolved that night no matter what time you go to bed. I don?t believe people should turn their backs on one another in a huff and cry themselves to sleep but I think it is okay to call a truce, be clear that you are still, in fact, really angry, but that sleep will give everything perspective. You can continue the discussion with a rested heart and a clearer outlook over breakfast in the morning.

One of the hardest things to do in any relationship is removing your pride and admitting you were wrong. This act alone can change the course of a marriage forever. I really believe that. It not only takes courage to be vulnerable but it demonstrates a high level of trust. The more we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, the more deeply we experience intimacy and trust. The one, who is the recipient of this act of admission of wrongdoing, must be gentle with this vulnerable heart.

Marriage isn?t easy. I don?t think it was ever intended to be.? I wonder if too many people get caught up in the wedding day and fail to think about the years following that special occasion. Perhaps, when the going gets tough, many people make the assumption that the marriage has failed and probably wasn?t the right choice after all as they find themselves struggling. But it is these moments of strife and struggle that bring the greatest gifts of marriage. When couples can stick their nails in and hang on for the ride, the rewards of commitment and faith in the vows that they made, will far out weight the ?for worses.?

Marriages need to be cared for and nurtured and handled with care.

Here is some marriage advice from Jane Wells (circa 1886):

?Let your love be stronger than your hate or anger. Learn the wisdom of compromise for it is better to bend a little than to break. Believe the best rather than the worst. People have a way of living up or down to your opinion of them. Remember that true friendship is the basis for any lasting relationship. The person you choose to marry is deserving of the courtesies and kindnesses you bestow on your friends. Please hand this down to your children and your children?s children. The more things change, the more they are the same.?

Has it been thirteen years of wedded bliss for my husband and I? For the most part, yes, (with a lot of work, understanding, attention and probably a bit of stubbornness). Having a child with special needs and all that entails will definitely place added strain on a marriage but does not have to define it. If you pay attention and do the work, this unique experience can actually enhance your marriage more than you could have ever imagined.

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Source: http://www.whatiwouldtellyou.com/weblog/for-better-for-worse/

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